Santa Clause

Santa is a lie. Sorry kids, but it's true. A fat man in a red suit that rides in a flying sleigh that is pulled by flying deer. this man apparently goes to every house in one night and goes down your chimney and puts the present under your tree that is for some reason indoors and puts candy into socks. he knows what you want because you write to him and ask what you want. The rest of the time he is driving little men and women with pointy ears and making them make toys. I swear that if you walk into a factory in Taiwan you would think you were at the North Pole. Also, he's like, 2000 years old. Here's the implications with the "Santa Clause" theory:

1. A fat man. HOW THE HELL IS HE SUPPOSED TO FIT DOWN A CHIMNEY IF HE'S FAT?!?! And what if you don't have a chimney? what now? don't tell me "magic," because i asked for a playstation 3 and all i got was some freaking books.

2. The flying sleigh. SERIOUSLY?!?! Why? a sleigh? pulled by flying deer? why don't you see flying deer in the woods? i don't get it.

3. Every house in one night. SPACE/TIME CONTUuM (or how ever you spell it)?!?! do you really think i'm going to believe this? it seems he could stop time, as no matter when you sneak out of your room he's not there. But how the hell are you supposed to do that? Magic? hell no. E=MCsquared. Okay? or maybe Albert Einstein was wrong. yeah. a fat guy who goes down the chimneys of little kids is really going to be the one to prove one of the greatest scientists and mathmeticians of all time wrong.

4. He knows what you want because you write to him. NO HE DOESN'T!!!! I'm sorry, but as i said before, i asked for a PS3 and i got a bunch of books. I WANT TO ROT MY BRAIN, DAMNIT! whatever. he just doesn't know what you want. okay?

5. The little men and women with pointy ears making toys. UMMMMMM?!?! i seriously do not get this part. how do the elves stay alive? they don't exactly seem like the most likely candidates to have sexual intercourse. call me crazy, but i just can't see it. are they Santa's kids? So he's enslaved his own kids? that's nice. that's reeeeaaaallll nice. I wonder if the communists celebrate Christmas? the toys are made by little people, so...

Well, that's my view on Santa. I just don't get how the birth of a schizophrenic dude who thought he was his own father turned into a holiday about a fat guy who sounds oddly like a child molester.

-Scott Zion

2012 IS A LIE!!!

Okay. I just saw the Knowing, and it scared the crap out of me. usually i only experience the basic 'holy shit i'm walking down a dark hallway and there's going to be a fucking puzzle box in my room and i'm going to solve it and i'm gonna get captured by the goddamn cenobites and i'm too freaked out to remember that the chances of that happening right after i saw the movie is like, a million to one, and besides there's no demon with needles in his head that comes when you solve a rubik's cube, and this is a really long run on sentence' thing that you experience when watching a scary movie. But the knowing was about planes crashing and subways blowing up and all that shiznit. that crap really happens, and i'm probably not getting onto a plane for six months. but the whole solar flare that's supposed to happen in 2012 and blow up the whole world COULD happen, but i don't see me spontaneously combusting because of some prominence that just happens to occur when the earth is by the side of the sun that this great gout of flame is spawning from the fiery depths of a gigantic ball of nuclear reaction that for some reason is what keeps me alive, but will supposedly mean my death. Just because the Mayan calendar ends at 2012 does not mean that that's when the world will end. Maybe the astronomer guy just got tired or suffered from extreme hand cramp. hell, people thought the world would end in 2000. It's 2000-effing-nine and i'm still alive. when 2012 rolls around and all of those idiots realize they were wrong, they will say they made a 'miscalculation' and set it for something like 2033. or maybe i'm wrong and it will end. but i don't think so. here's a story for you:

once there was a psychic dude who claimed that jesus would return. he set the date and place and all of the Christians came with him and went on top of a hill and waited. when midnight rolled around, and there was noone, he said he made a 'miscalculation' and that it would really happen tomorrow. so, the next day they went to the hill. at midnight, he said it was really next week. and so it went on. and many of the people kept coming. why? the three F's:
fear
faith
fucked up mindset.

-Scott Zion

Everybody Needs to Shut Up

So far i haven't had any lengthy, contemplative blogs that make you think about life and it's meaning. i probably won't have any lengthy, contemplative blogs that make you think about life and it's meaning. i will, however, have lengthy, contemplative blogs that are completely pointless and make you want to throw a TV at a jewish picture frame that is being framed for arson on Wal-Mart that is run by corporate fiends that worship flowers that bear resemblance to satan preparing iced tea for Marilyn Monroe wearing a lampshade whose father abused him because he had a drinking problem, and his AA meeting instructor was a soap bottle that was dating a mexican TV that happens to be the one you threw at the jewish picture frame. i also tend to rant on about random inanimate objects with various life stories. So shut up.