Santa Clause

Santa is a lie. Sorry kids, but it's true. A fat man in a red suit that rides in a flying sleigh that is pulled by flying deer. this man apparently goes to every house in one night and goes down your chimney and puts the present under your tree that is for some reason indoors and puts candy into socks. he knows what you want because you write to him and ask what you want. The rest of the time he is driving little men and women with pointy ears and making them make toys. I swear that if you walk into a factory in Taiwan you would think you were at the North Pole. Also, he's like, 2000 years old. Here's the implications with the "Santa Clause" theory:

1. A fat man. HOW THE HELL IS HE SUPPOSED TO FIT DOWN A CHIMNEY IF HE'S FAT?!?! And what if you don't have a chimney? what now? don't tell me "magic," because i asked for a playstation 3 and all i got was some freaking books.

2. The flying sleigh. SERIOUSLY?!?! Why? a sleigh? pulled by flying deer? why don't you see flying deer in the woods? i don't get it.

3. Every house in one night. SPACE/TIME CONTUuM (or how ever you spell it)?!?! do you really think i'm going to believe this? it seems he could stop time, as no matter when you sneak out of your room he's not there. But how the hell are you supposed to do that? Magic? hell no. E=MCsquared. Okay? or maybe Albert Einstein was wrong. yeah. a fat guy who goes down the chimneys of little kids is really going to be the one to prove one of the greatest scientists and mathmeticians of all time wrong.

4. He knows what you want because you write to him. NO HE DOESN'T!!!! I'm sorry, but as i said before, i asked for a PS3 and i got a bunch of books. I WANT TO ROT MY BRAIN, DAMNIT! whatever. he just doesn't know what you want. okay?

5. The little men and women with pointy ears making toys. UMMMMMM?!?! i seriously do not get this part. how do the elves stay alive? they don't exactly seem like the most likely candidates to have sexual intercourse. call me crazy, but i just can't see it. are they Santa's kids? So he's enslaved his own kids? that's nice. that's reeeeaaaallll nice. I wonder if the communists celebrate Christmas? the toys are made by little people, so...

Well, that's my view on Santa. I just don't get how the birth of a schizophrenic dude who thought he was his own father turned into a holiday about a fat guy who sounds oddly like a child molester.

-Scott Zion